by Alex Yang
Editor's Note: We realize that this concept is based on something that's been floating around the Net for years, but the original twist was cute.
I am an outrageous character, often seen jogging nude while avoiding assassins. I have been known to renovate the Ork Underground before dawn, making it more attractive in the minds of foreign tourists. I translate Sperethiel slurs for Troll combat bikers. I make BTL simsense even better, I seize the day hourly. Occasionally, I punch deck for three weeks in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike Damien Knight impressions, I can captain drones up the Renraku Arcology with nary a care, and I cook Minute Rice in ten combat turns. I am an artiste in graffiti, a master of wage slaves, and a rebel in Aztlan (who isn't?).
Using only a fly swatter and a large can of Raid, I once single-handedly defended a suburb of Chicago from a hive of ravenous insect spirits. I play synthrigs unplugged, I was scouted by the Ares Predators, I am the subject of numerous MIT&M dissertations. When I'm bored, I build large houseboats in Puget Sound. I enjoy armed Banshee border crossings. On Wednesdays, after school, I program smart frames free of charge.
I'm friends with a free spirit (Force 5), a blood mage, and an empathic cyberzombie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of kevlar-lined kilts. I don't perspire. I am a SINning citizen, yet I am unregistered in all governmental databases. I have been caller number nine and have won the Stuffer Shack Surprise. Last summer I toured Tir Tairngire with a roving band of Humanis Policlub sympathizers. I have a Threat Rating of 4.
My tight shot grouping has earned me fame in rival gang territories. Security guards trust me. I can hurl troll centers at swiftly tilting elf quarterbacks with deadly accuracy. I have heard of Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield, and actually took time to locate the Seattle Public Library one lazy summer afternoon. I know the exact location of every UV host in the Matrix. I have never performed those four covert operations with the Sioux Wildcats.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep four feet above my covers. While on vacation in Denver, I successfully negotiated with a squad of Lone Star officers who had quarantined the Warrens.
The concept of game balance does not apply to me. I guard, I turn, I parry, I dodge, and my bills are all straight. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact koan composing. Years ago I discovered the true name of the Reaper but forgot to write it down. I have made astonishing amounts of C-12 using only chewing tobacco and a six pack of Pharaoh Gold. I breed charming barghests. I have won archery tournaments in Sherwood Forest, shootouts at the OK Corral, and chess matches aboard Zurich Orbital.
I have flipped off Harlequin, I have performed custom neuralware implantation, and I have spoken with Dunkelzahn.
But I have not yet joined a shadowrunning team.
©1998, Alex Yang - used with permission